§µeswãn *(“.)

silent nights make me ponder. being alone in my room, staring at my notes blankly, millions of thoughts floating in my mind, i can hardly read a sentence though the midterm test is just around the corner. the soft humming sound coming from my table fan and lap top made my thoughts running wild in my head and very soon, my heart sank to the bottom. slowly, the words in my notes became vague and i was overwhelmed by a sense of melancholy. looking out of my window over my table, lights were on in most of the rooms in the block in front.wonder wat were the residents doing, were they feeling the same way as i was? loneliness struck me hard every night, making me feeling down and helpless, and it is going to repeat for the next few years. slowly it turned to fears and sadness. i hv all the good thigns beside me yet they are sometiems too far away from me. and by the time i hv a chance to get back to them in the future, it is too late and many things might hv changed. and maybe we dun even hv a chance to be together anymore, as future is full of uncertainties and life is too fragile.but this is life..tat is wat ppl said always. how simple and easy it seems to be. yes, this is life, a truth tat all of us hv to accept. maybe this teaches us to appreciate more.  how i wish time can stand still..

it has been quite a long time since my yr two in NUS started. life is still the same here but i learned to be more organised in dealing with my heavy workload from the past experience.it did show some improvement but it is still too early to tell now… may God bless me.. mug mug and mug… for the endless tests and ca’s.. aaarrgghh.. i hate mugging…

time flies.. really cant believe that i hv been staying in KL for almost 3 mths and i’m going bak to sg on this tues. i start to feel a bit heavy to leave my family for NUS again..however, at the same time, i feel excited and m ready for the coming sememster.maybe i din really make use of the time well during my first year and whenever i look back,i feel bit empty as if i learned nothing. the memories when i was still a freshie last year are still fresh in my mind as if all that just happened yesterday. the scene when i was boarding grassland bus to singapore with family,when i just reached NUS campus and my hostel, when i was waiting impatiently to check in my room with my family, when i was being welcomed by other freshies from malaysia during Malaysian Student League’s orientation, when i intro myself in front of them,when i cheered and chanted with the crowd as if the whole world is ours, when i first attended the lecture enthusiastically, the moment of having fun and shopping with my frens on the streets of singapore during sg tour..i could hardly suppress my excitement and passion to study by then..i m sure all the freshies this year would hv the same feeling as me last time. hmm.. whenever i look back ,the scenes flash through my mind like a movie that has no ending.that kind of feeling is complicated, blended with all kinds of feelings which can make me feel warm ,touched and PROUD frm the bottom of my heart for going through all these. =) wish me and everyone good luck in the coming sem. ^^

yesterday, a fren of mine who is studying with me in sg called me just to inform me about the submission of a very important application form. though it was just a small reminder but i feel touched to the bottom of my heart and really appreciate it. sometimes, we tend to ignore this kind of insignificant things tat other ppl do for us.i ask myself, how many ppl are there in this world are going to call u all the way from sg to msia just to remind u of such a trivial thing since he or she has the right not to interfere and stand aside. maybe a fren in need is a fren indeed. after receiving the call, the feeling of guilty started to take over me as i asked myself deeply y m i not the one who call to remind him? moreover, the idea of reminding him via sms also never crossed my mind from the minute i received the offer letter of application. and in order to make sure i get the latest information, my fren called. though it was a small thing to put on heart but let’s ask ourselves, how many ppl will do tat and how many ppl will realise that someone there is using his or her heart to treat us? maybe it is really time for us to think for a second. maybe it is time for us to learn from other ppl’s doing, learn to care and learn to appreciate. a fren in need is a fren indeed. though this saying is true, i would like to say tat, if tat person appears to offer his/her help even u dun need it, then we are the most luckiest for having him/her as our fren. COS THAT MAKES SO MUCH DIFFERENCE ^-^ dun u think so? =) so, sometimes, let’s slow down our pace to look around us, then we’ll discover sb who seems so small in our life yet helping us out silently.anyway, thanks again for the person who called to inform me cos i really appreciate it ^^

给没有被挽留的叶子 及 摇摇欲坠的叶子：

叶子飞走了，是风的追求，还是树的不挽留。。？

要是树肯抓得牢，叶子还会被吹走吗？。。

both are convinced
that a sudden surge of emotion bound them together
beautiful is such a certainty
but uncertainty is more beautiul
because they didnt know each other earlier
they suppose that nothing was happening between them
what of the streets, stairways, and corridors
where they could hv passed each other long ago?
i’d like to ask them whether they remember
perhaps in a revolving door ever being face to face
an ‘excuse me’ in the crowd
or a voice ‘wrong number’ in the receiver
but i know their answer
no, they dun remember
they’d be greatly astonished
to learn that for a long time
chance had been playing with them
not yet wholly ready
to transform into fate for them
it approached them, then backed off
stood in their way, and suppressing a giggle,jump to the side..
treasure wat we hv.. as it is the most beautiful thing in this milky way..

finally, i’ll be going back to Malaysia tml and my year one life in NUS has come to an end. however, this time i m not going back to Ipoh but KL instead.. i miss ipoh so much tat i really hope i can spend more time in Ipoh. i’ve been very nostalgic these few days. i’ve pondered a lot of things and feel a bit sad whenever i think back of the good old days in ipoh. life was so simple by then..  sometimes i feel tired of the life here..however, i start to learn sth, we should learn to appreciate and treasure every minute we hv now. as we are going to miss the moments we are having now when we look back in the future.. sometimes i feel regretful for being too naive during high school.. longing for the world outside and didnt know how to appreciate the moments when i was with my family and frens. now  after  studying  in sg, i realised how wrong i was..though we should always look in front but sometimes i still will think back those memorable moments we had together with frens, family and many more.. time flies.. it seems it was just yesterday tat i just came to study in NUS and i was still a freshie.. now i had finished two semesters here..and by the time i come back again after 3mths, i m in year 2 and i m a senior.every thing seems so fast.. too fast till i can hardly slow down my pace and look around me.many ppl appeared in my life but i didnt even hv time to know more about them.maybe this is life and we should learn to accept it. but this has made me learn to treasure more.. every single second we hv now.. life is so short.i just want a life with no regrets and lots of love. i know there is always love and happiness in life. and i wanna live every day as if there is no tomorrow.i can do it. ^-^ jia you sueswan!!!

eh… long time didnt blog ler.. now it’s ady 1 am and i m still here blogging during this exam period.. i hv a very strange feeling these few days.. i also duno y.. and i can hardly concentrate on my study now.. so i force myself to study in the study room in my hostel from morning to night.. or else i would hv wasted all my time in my room doing nothing constructive..i still hv 3 more papers to go.. then can go home ler.ahhhhhh… and i feel guilty for doing sth wrong..

it is ady 133am.wat m i doing so late at night here?
studying physical chem or just to make myself feel better??
duno ler..my mind is in a mess now..
headache..y cant my body temperature go down..
sick inside and outside..

after one week of break, now i m back in sg again. back in this small room in my hostel and this campus tat i can hardly see a single familiar face.i never feel regret coming to study in singapore but i dun like the environment here. too hectic and stressful.. feel like i m in a prison.however,since i m ady here, i hv no other choice but walk down the path that i hv chosen and no looking back is allowed.
sigh.. next week i hv test again. going to lectures is torturing.. listening to the monotonous voice of the lecturers is even more torturing.. trying my best to understand and sitting still in front of my table to study is like tackling mission impossible.sometimes i m thinkning tat this can be a challenge to me and make me more stronger. however,sometimes i feel tat i m on the verge of collapse, trying hard to pulling myself up from the cliff, hanging on desparately.. things around me are changing, and i m still trying to change and adjust to it, but i m actually loitering at the same spot..i feel myself is changing but i dun like the changes. i feel scared and insecure. it is too fast.. until i cant catch a breath.sometimes i feel disappointed and frustrated. feel down and depressed..thinking this and tat.. but tat is the truth. i m actually cheating myself and blinding myself. avoiding and shunning..i m such a coward.. sigh sigh sigh..
wat m i thinking?? last night i could not sleep on the bus all the way from ipoh to singapore.im thinking a lot of things..ifeel really sad and helpless..sob.. things are different.. really different.. dun u think so..i m not sure whether i’ll change one day..by the time, my heart  is no longer made of blood and flesh.. and idun want to bcome like this..i m still looking for miracles..